stories from beaten tracks

What follows is a brief epilogue I wrote over the course of 2019 and published to Apple Music, along with the playlist "2019, stories from beaten tracks". The playlist, combined with the epilogue you are about to read, is a somewhat romanticised summary of my year in 2019. For me, it was such a whirlwind of a year with so many emotions; good, bad and indifferent, that I struggled to straighten them all out in my head. So I found documenting them both in song and in summary helped me process my experiences and give me take-aways that I can carry forward in life. The epilogue is deliberately written in the tone you would imagine a commentator would be dubbed-over your life as you live it, like in a cheesy sit-com or rom-com film.

This is gunna take more than 12 tracks this time, so here's the story.

Picking up where the 2018 playlist left off, we struggle to fill the gaps in life that a broken relationship leaves behind - little did we know, this would become a recurring theme of 2019. We deal with the trials and tribulations of going back onto the dating scene, before everything we've ever known falls apart. Mum cheating on Dad leading to a breakup; after which the lies, mistrust and deceit of a relationship spanning almost three decades finally come to the forefront.

We try desperately to hold it together for dad, just like he has done for us - even in a time when he didn't understand us. Then we feel the support of both the friends we hold closest and the family we don't see often and the difference that can make between getting through hard times or letting the hard times go through you. We see a tale of drowning our sorrows and turning to substance abuse and partying late on into the night even when it hurts or we know we shouldn't. We see a responsibility loom over us to look after those who are more harshly affected by the change in family dynamic, even if that means holding her hair back in a taxi whilst she is violently sick into her hand bag.

We live through the transition from boy to man, flying from the riven nest to set up one of our own; and the pain, loneliness and unfamiliarities that comes with it. We see a role reversal that just months ago would have been totally unexpected, spending more time with the parent we were once scared of and seeing key moments in our lives together in a light that has never been shown.

We discuss a grown mans' crisis of confidence and how that's okay - we're all human and it's okay not to be okay. We see new friends coming closer than ever and the parting of ways between the oldest of friends.

We take to the streets and march for the first time in a show of solidarity for our beloved LGBTQ+ community, laughing and living in the faces of angry protestors. We revisit our annual camping weekend at a friends house where we reconnect with ourselves and each other, to nature and to the notion of living with less. We wake for the first time a year older in a cold and empty house and remember how inescapably suffocating a family birthday used to be, but even still we miss it.

We step out into the biggest adventure of our lives so far - a trans-continental journey of both the body, mind and soul that can make or break a friendship and is certainly one to be remembered for the rest of our days. We party on through our first ever music festival, one of the largest in Europe and in a country we've never been to before. We meet people from all over the world and make friends along the way. We run, laugh, sing, dance, argue, fall out, make up, cry and hug our way through the quickest, most amazing month of our life. But nothing feels better than your own bed - even if you don't manage any sleep. We see that no matter how far or how fast you run, you eventually need to come home and face your life head on.

We see the return of an annual festival which we were partly dreading from last years' experience. A spark in our heart is unexpectedly reignited and continues to be nurtured and gives us hope for the future once more. We find solace in ourself and our ability to feel happiness through the happiness of others.

We realise the support we've been given this year and especially where from and vow to remember the solidarity of friends and family forever. We learn that our life is not our own and that those who count on you need you even on your bad days. We rebuild bridges between fellow adults by practicing the most important skill in life - communication. We are then able to reconnect with the real reason why we are all here in a bid to move forward to even greater things.

We see our new relationship flourish perfectly with nights at home spent making home cooked meals and watching movies together as the winter nights draw longer and colder.

But all is not quiet on the western front. A storm brews among friends that blows up in our face; revealing in its wake a sad tale of miscommunication that then sizzled in the background for months. Meanwhile a long-suppressed anger inside us finally shows itself and we call out our mum on her means and method and the cruelty that rocked tidal waves through an entire family. This emotion bubbles overboard during move-in day reducing us to tears on our couch later that night. There we wonder what we'd ask for if we could have ANYTHING for Christmas - the last 8 months back.

Christmas comes and goes without a struggle, a surprising turn of events; a relief given the years trials. We sat on the couch with a gin and toasted to a shitty shitty year that was nearly over. Bridges are slowly rebuilt between friends just in the nick of time for new year, which is where we find ourselves today. Sitting on the couch waiting for our best of friends to join us for the bells.

We see life through a pin hole in the moment but through a microscope in the epilogue and we've learned to acknowledge and accept that. We learn to enjoy the moment, for one day we'll miss the magic of these good old days. We learn to grab life by the balls and ask ourself "why not" more than "why should I". We learn to do something whilst there is still a chance, because that chance does not last forever - it's gone before you know it. We learn to be more supportive and compassionate, but to take shit-talk and slander seriously and protect those who matter. We learn to stand proud and know that we have our own back even when there are those in the world who try to break it. We know now never to take people for granted, for whoever we take for granted will eventually be taken away, and that's when we end up missing the most the person that we least appreciated. We never think the last time will be the last until it's too late.

Thank you for reading. I hope from you can draw your own lessons and conclusions and that you never find yourself needing to write an epilogue.

For the playlist, visit "2019, stories from beaten tracks".

~ Aedan